As I must admit... I am a junkie...not a junkie in the traditional sense but the abstract writer kind of junkie... I just bought online a new journal and I am already jonesing..The crackle of a new spine and the heady smell of new paper just sends shivers down my spine. The touch of the crisp paper and the feeling you get that you know this book has never been used and its all yours, chosen for you. Im already drooling over the fact that I got a new book to write in. The thoughts and ideas sends my mind reeling at the fact that this will be the book specifically for me and my crazy ideas.

I also got pens...expensive, beautiful pens...Expensive for me since most of my pens came out of the 99 cent store.  I can almost feel the smoothness and the new pen smell. These pens are all mine,mine, mine. I rue the person that tries to steal these pens. Specially picked and catered to my own sense of unque style.

Oh lord... I have to wait for it to come in the mail.. I have a feeling I'll be haunting my mail box , pacing , waiting, demanding the mail to hurry up. I know I'll be sitting at the bottom of my stairs rocking back and forth wishing that the mail was faster.  The thoughts,  ideas, images race through my head, and all the people that demand a voice practically send me in to a coma.

  So I formally admit I am a journal junkie. I wonder if there is a 12 step program for people like me...

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

 

Alexander Pope, "Eloisa to Abelard"
English poet & satirist (1688 - 1744)

I made the ulimate decision to watch Eternal Sunshine of a spotless mind... I have to wonder would I erase the memories in my head of my past loves , especially those of my ex husband. Honestly I wouldn't erase them.  I couldnt erase them. Those memories, those experiances of that life made me who I am. I might sound sick but I couldnt erase any of them. Not even the ones that I loved before my husband. All of them.. I havent been with many men in my life but the ones I have been with I remember the first time with each of them.... The sounds, the feeling of letting go and turning my head, heart and body over to another person. Each of them was different and each of them made me feel special and I thank them for it.  As we talk about this I hang on to one of those dearly because he has recently passed away from a drug over dose.  I remember the record he gave me and I still have it. I play it now when I feel lonely because I can still feel him coming up behind me while a certain song plays and the memory of him starting a dance that is as old as the human race.  He was the first and I am grateful he was special and gentle. 

 The last one is my husband I remember when I fell in love with him, how he asked me to marry him, the feeling I had when I was walking down the aisle to meet him. The day I told him I was pregnant and the way he held me when I lost the pregnancy. Each of the nights I spent by his bed as his body shook with seizures. The moonlit nights in Hawaii. So many memories, both good and bad. I cant erase any of this it would be like removing a part of my arm. How would I function if I purposely cut off my thumb and three fingers, I guess you would learn but there would be a hole. Realistically he isnt coming back and I cant have him back, it wont work anymore. So I'll tuck those memories away in the corner of my head and out of my heart and alow room for someone else to take the chance with my heart again. The pictures will be locked away in a special box when I can get the money together to buy it, I cant throw them out they are a part of me. Maybe some day I will throw them out but for now, no.

 This is the human race, people live, people die, and relationships are born and some die but life does go on.  I really hate to say that but life does go on and Im willing to take the chance and consider some one else in my life, but I think this time I need to take it slow.

 Would I erase any of this , even though it would stop the pain in my heart. No I wouldnt because its that pain that makes me human and reminds me that love is definately like a rose, sometimes you get pricked by the thorns.